This week has been hectic. For me internally at least..We started off with a lake day, peaceful as usual. I worked all week at MTV, but also made significant progress on my zine project with Delia. I think we should be ready to print by next week! DERAILED Magazine coming soon!!! Hopefully we will find a way to virtually distribute as well.
Things are shifting and changing a lot for me and while overall I am extremely grateful for every new development, sometimes new experiences can be difficult. I know my 20s are for making mistakes and figuring things out but it can be pretty painful to experience. I am learning every day how to navigate the dynamics within each relationship I have developed here. I am learning how to fill my role as a friend in the best possible way, how much I can give to others while preserving space for myself.
It sucks when in these explorations, people end up getting hurt. I make mistakes a lot. I often realize what boundaries I should have set or what expectations I should have communicated in hindsight. It’s always more clear after the fact, and that really is a shitty feeling. All I can do is learn from each interaction though, and try to give those around me the same amount of grace I am deserved in my fuck ups.
I am learning how to be just the right amount of selfish. I am lucky to have people around me who help me when I fail and forgive me when I do stupid shit. I think now more than ever I can understand that good people can sometimes do shitty things. I’ve hurt people I never wanted to hurt. And people have hurt me even if that isn’t what they intended. That’s just part of growing up I guess? I know this probably sounds pretty vague but too bad I am posting this online so I am not gonna get into specifics that’s tmi.
Anyways yeah figuring out WHO I want to prioritize, in what context I want to prioritize those relationships, and how to make sure I am thinking of how my actions affect others, while still putting myself and my best interest first. That is what I am working on. If that makes no sense to the reader I am sorry but I think it makes sense to me.
I do not want to be full of anger for other people’s shortcomings. When stuff goes sour, I sit in the sadness, frustration, anger, for a bit- and then I turn to the things that are lifting me up. The good things don’t go away when one good thing goes bad. I sound super preachy but I think writing this is helping me understand how I’m feeling.
I know my worth, I love who I am and I am proud of my growth and my accomplishments. I am proud of my friendships and proud of the relationships I have with my family. I have so much ahead and I am so excited to keep on going. There is so much fulfilment in that hope.
Anyways, played darts at the Check-In in steiglitz with Dee, the bartender labelled our tab as ‘Ladys’ which I thought was funny. The Check-In is pretty much exclusively for old men to watch soccer and argue with eachother so I guess labeling our tab as Lady’s was pretty simple for her to keep track of haaaha. Picture of me looking at myself in the sbahn window which is funny and moody. Some old folks playing instruments and singing at Viktoria Park. Sofia and I in the park, after Sofia played mediator in my argument with a boy. She could be a good lawyer I think.
Kat and Fia at Viktoria Spati, where my weird friendship with the owner continues to develop. We went to Heiners later that night aswell, we played headbands and I noticed a Derailed tag in the bathroom that one of us must have written at some point in the last few months. Also a little snail that I saw the following morning.
Pizza I ordered- which was delish. The Kreuzberg festival was happening on Kreuzbergstraße (my street), so we explored that a bit. There were rides and bands playing and it was sweet. It is very evident that this area is populated by mostly young families. The band pictured here was comprised of three young teenage german girls who played covers of songs ranging from Schrei nach Liebe by die Ärzte to Black Sheep by Metric. It was really cute they actually rocked. I was thinking a lot about how cool these Berlin bred kids are gonna be when they’re older if they are already this cool.
Toby and I painted in the park, we did this game where we each had a canvas for five minutes and then we would trade and paint on the other canvas for five mintues, and we just continued that for a while. The final products were pretty cool. That night Toby and Delia and I went to Giri- a small event space in Neukölln, for the Dogma Rec Arkaos Release party, which was essentially a showcase party, with a lineup of DJs who are park of the Dogma Rec. collective, founded by Dario Mass. According to RA, “The goal is to promote the essence of techno music in its deepest and purest facets. The musical project is closely linked to photographic art, the label's graphic project is aimed at promoting naturalistic landscapes from all over the world directly from Diego Attiani 's shots.”
It was pretty weird but it was cool. This was another night when a LOT of people asked me and Delia if we are twins. We decided the answer is yes. The last photo in the above grid is from cafe Freiraum, which is just five minutes from my apartment. It is super cute it reminded me of camping in Vermont. Rustic and small. I got lemon pound cake and a mate.
On Saturday I went to the pool on Prinzenstraße with my ICONIQUE and wonderful friend and roommate Evelyn. It was sooo hot and the pool was PACKED. There was a line spilling out onto the sidewalk to enter. Public pools in Germany are very different from those in the US. There are basically no rules and if you pay the five euro to enter you basically have free reign for as long as you want of the premises. At the Maplewood pool, if I remember correctly, you cannot go to the pool as a guest without taking some sort of swim test and getting a wristband certifying that you can swim. There are like 10x as many lifeguards on duty in Maplewood. I think I saw two in the whole complex in Berlin. People are nude and runnig around and drinking beer and playing music its chaotic but also like nothing goes horribly wrong and nobody is getting yelled at for running next to the pool or something.
Anyways Evelyn and I giggled and gossiped for a while and I interrogated her about her Bulgarian boyfriend and she told me about her childhood and her cats back in Sofia. We swam and then we took a nap in the grass. It was really fun and I am really sad that I have to say bye to her soon. She has really been a pleasure to live with and grow closer to. I admire so much about her.
That evening my friends and I went to the AEDEN. It was kind of fun but not really. Talk to you next week!
ur so smart I love ur words